Dearest Cecilia, the story can resume
The one I had been planning on that evening walk.
I can become again the man who once crossed the Surrey park
at dusk in my best suit, swaggering on the promise of life.
The man who, with the clarity of passion,
made love to you in the library.
The story can resume,
I will return, find you, love you, marry you
And live without shame.
-Atonement, Ian McEwan
Navigations are the 4 clouds.
i want/i need
To get better at DotA
To get Better at DB8
To write my first novel before Year 6
To maintain and improve my grades
To stop slacking
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This isn't me being emo. I'm not depressed right now, honest. I'm just defying everything I should be doing. I never realised it but homework does change us. That huge weight we feel on our shoulders isn't always there, it's just homework. It's the dread of school, debate, work. There are a million and one things I have to do now. But I'm not going to let it win. I'm not going to let it ruin everything else I do. I will get to it, I will finish it, but it won't stop me from blogging, eating, enjoying myself. Not even on the Sunday before school. It can't do that to me. This is me committing to a late night. But this is also me committing to relaxing and talking to people and telling everyone how much I love them. It isn't worth all of that.To prove this I shall....insert a OTH video! I'd talk about SCMUN and the CAPpers or debate but that's for another time.
Ah screw it, can't find it. I'm watching HOUSE now. Nevermind.
1. OTH 6x13: Brooke vs. Attacker-->I need to do a full commentary on this at a later date. 2. A tiny tiny snippet of a conversation I had with Joy that I'm too lazy to put up.
Hmm..I owe a teacher a half-baked written commentary tomorrow. At the airport. A tad obssessive? Definitely. On her part, not mine. I don't have the fortitude to finish it, nor do I have the ability to forget on purpose. The worst case? I write it out on the plane..Urgh.
You know what? I'm supposed to be leaving for what's virtually an extended holiday tomorrow and I'm worrying about a written commentary.
I'm back. These three days have been draining. VERY DRAINING. Mentorship submission and workshop late-sleeping has compounded, resulting in black circles. I won't be sleeping on the flight either, so I'll probably look like a zombie once jetlag hits me. The workshop got progressively better but I haven't written much, except for some snippets, though they may have potential. But then again, I didn't write during CAP either. It may just be how I work. I've been toying with the idea of writing exclusively in forms for some time because I'm very insensitive to things like meter. Or maybe I'm just not consciously sensitive. Whichever the case, it needs to change. My fear is that I just won't write. Maybe I should try it out in India.
But I've digressed. John Mateer was helpful to extents. But just being in such a poetry-saturated environment again might have helped. God, people write so amazingly! I want to take the breath away from people the way they did for me.
After it ended yesterday, we(CAPpers) went for the poetry readings at Books Actually. Of course, between Grange Road and Ann Siang, there was lazing at BK, switching across all 3 MRT lines, and walking. This is probably the first time I've been to a small bookshop like Books Actually. I liked it, and I probably could spend hours there, but there were too many people yesterday. The readings were a hit-and-miss affair. Yi-Sheng was there too. His reading was alright, but there was this moment where I felt so incredibly in awe of him. I think it's a sort of projection of myself. AC boy, poetry, young, talented, published, attractive. It's a mix of what I am and I what I want to be.
These few days have been much like CAP, in that I'm so in love with the CAPpers now. O.o. That sounded so gay. But it's true! I got closer to people I wasn't close to, and wow, there are so many amazing people. Whilst writing this, these last 3 days have been getting progressively more lovely in my head.
I've been thinking of bringing my laptop to India. No wireless and my Mum will probably scream over the pointlessness and the additional burden of taking care of it, but I just might.
Which brings me to the last thing: India. I'm leaving today, and I won't be back till Jan. I will miss being free and unobliged, but I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again. Especially Babulbhai, I haven't seen him in...two years? I will miss my birthday here, again, but that's an annual regret. I will also come back to school late, but let's hope that changes this year. I'll be there for a shorter time than ever but I'm going to miss it here more than ever. It might be because of all that's happened year. It might be because it's Sec 2, by far the most awesome year. But, urgh, I'm contemplating all of this too early. I'll leave such thinking for a New Year post. But yes, I'll miss you guys, and I'll say bye now, 6hrs prematurely!
Now my dad tried to make me feel calmer by telling me all of this is not important and I don't need to stress. Honestly, thanks dad, but that didn't help. Right now I don't need any distractions. I need to finish what needs to be done and go to sleep. Sleep is what I need now. Not because I'm tired I'm fucking stress-adrenalin high but because I need sleep to forget and dream.
The reason I'm distracting myself by blogging right now because this is the most powerful emotion I've felt for some time and I need to record a moment where things became about me.
This may not make any sense to you right now. It might just seem like emo ranting uncharacteristic of me. It means more right now but in the larger scale of things, it isn't. But it means something NOW.